“GO AND TELL HIM HIS FAULT BETWEEN YOU AND HIM ALONE”

“GO AND TELL HIM HIS FAULT BETWEEN YOU AND HIM ALONE”

How to Reconcile with Others? | Gossip: The Filipino Way

Gospel Mt: 18:15-20

August 11, 2021.

Whenever someone hurts us, what do we do? How do we react? If we are in pain, burst of emotions usually come out of our hearts. It takes practice of silence, temperance, and patience to not just pour out our feelings in words at the heat of the moment. In times like these, it is imperative to endure the pain, wait until you are at peace, or at least calm before you speak. For words spoken at the height of emotions can be a trap. How many words are spoken like a sharp sword for others because we are not able to think first before speaking? Humans that we are and weighed down by our fallen nature, it is easier to be carried away by our weaknesses than to do what is right and just. What is right and just?

The Lord says that we should seek a conversation with the person alone to tell them what their fault is. The appropriate time to do this with less probability of sinning is anytime when we are already in a calm or peaceful disposition. After processing your own emotions, when you can already speak clearly, ask the person for a dialogue. Tell the person honestly the answer to these questions: “How did they hurt you?” “What is it that they said?” “What is it that they did?” “If they did and said those things, how did you feel?” “What is it in what was said and done that makes you feel pain?”

It is unfortunate when we are drowned with either pride or fear. So that it deprives us of following God’s word which will bring us true peace. Pride will blind us and will make us say “Why would I even seek a conversation with that person? He/she hurt me; therefore he/she must be the one to approach me.” Or pride will lead us to judgment saying “That person will never change. There’s no use in me speaking to that man/woman.” How sad if this is our mentality as it closes our hearts of possible graces that we could receive from obeying God. Therefore, in all these things, it will be good for us to ask for humility and patience from God for we cannot do this alone.
Same thing with fear which entraps us so that we will not make any move nor try to do anything at all. Fear of hurting more, would deprive us of speaking to the person because of too much desire to protect ourselves. There’s also fear of “How will this person react?”. It takes the courage coming from God to go up to the person and ask for a real dialogue. Yes, at times or most times we need time. It is enough not to close our hearts and wait for the right time. Do not forget to do our part, also for the good of the person. If he/she listened, then we have helped the person. If not, then at least we have done our part according to God’s Word which is His will. All must be done with love.

One must also not be too concerned how the person will take it, for as long as you have done your part and have taken the steps said by our Lord, He will not hold us accountable for anything. Yet, whether the person listens or not, the Lord says to “treat him like a publican”. This means, it is not that we will cut-off the person right away. A person or a citizen still does the task of paying taxes to the tax collector or the publican. So therefore, whoever this person is, we must still, with love, do our duties to this person if she is a mother, a father or a friend, colleague, co-student or co-worker as what a good Christian will do. It does not mean that it is right to judge the person for not listening, for only God knows their heart.

What matters in the end for us, is not what other people do but what we do that is pleasing in the eyes of God. St. Faustina lists three acts of mercy. We can express mercy through prayer, word (to the person) or works (of mercy). Therefore, may we not cease to pray for this person. Do not take it against them but have a hope in your heart that if this is not the time, then they may realize and open their hearts to the truth. Praying for the person towards good is one of the indicators that there’s no judgment in your heart and that your heart is still open to God’s will which is the most important part. For we are not the judge, God is. Our task is to obey God, and show mercy as He does to us so that we too may also be shown mercy.

THE FILIPINO WAY: “Gossip”

In the Philippines, it’s sad that there are people who seem to have “gossip” as their past times. It seems usual for people to talk about other’s peoples lives. In my own experience, I can also see the downsides of being “communal” as opposed to “individualistic” mentality of some if not most western countries. Communal mindset is good if it creates unity as it shall be. However, when one thinks of another in the “community” not as a fellow but as a “subject”, then it breeds some more problems such as division. Sometimes we treat a fellow as a subject when we think, we know better than this person’s lives albeit based only on pieces of information we know especially from other people.

At times, people may think that they have the “right” to meddle into other’s people’s lives without knowing proper boundaries or proper channels to go to. One affair of one person may seem like “an affair of the whole barangay (town)” to others thinking they have right to say their unsolicited thoughts or opinions. It may happen also in some other countries, but I can only speak now as in an instance on my own. However unpleasant these things be, it may still create an atmosphere that is “civil”, while not revealing true selves of the persons involved. I think that aside from these, real wounds are created consciously or subconsciously, when people do not say their problems, hurts or pains to the person directly involved.

Through lack of love, compassion and also not enough courage, they say their problem to other persons. Persons who are not necessarily trusted ones and who, not knowing what to do, will usually act as the “police” to the other person. This person playing “police” will feel entitled or will act under the guise of “compassion” for the “victim” and say the fault of the other person starting with the sentence “I heard from…” or “Why do you…?”. This happens most of the time which almost do not fix broken friendships or relationships or even family ties. Instead, it gets worse. Or it may seem to get better on the surface if a reconciliation is forced. But deep within, another issue surfaced in the heart of the other.

Even though the other person is the one who caused the hurt, what do you think will the person feel? How will things be genuinely solved, knowing another “hurt” was done this time by the one who got offended first? When this happens, the offended person unbeknownst to him/her became another guilty whom he/she loathed. The question is “Why can you not tell it to the person who has hurt you?” Again, let us go back to potential cause #1: pride and potential cause #2: fear. There may be any other reasons, unique to the person which the conscience could tell.

Last thing, sometimes we also do this not to our fellow brother or sister. But we do this to God. When we have a problem with our life and we blame God. When we think He is the reason for the things happening in our life, we do not come up to Him directly saying. “Lord, I feel this way (…) about you”. What we do if we cannot be honest is just to suddenly change, become cold in faith or cease believing all together which breeds many atheists, agnostics and other forms of unbelievers. My answer to the situational thinking here is of course God is not to blame. We suffer the consequences of our own hardness of heart and selfishness. Even though we might not realize it at first. But, at the height of emotions, sometimes we even deprive God of answering us through His infinite wisdom, the understanding that we need. We just change and do our own way which usually leads to sin or another bad thing specifically if one results to vices or addictions where problem seem to get worse.
It is easier to drop our faith than to hold on to it when times get rough. How many more problems will be less hard than it is if we only knew how to speak directly to God from the bottom of our hearts? For if we want an answer from Him, in Him we can find it. Wisdom, understanding and light of God are what we need because of how weak, fragile, and susceptible to temptations we are.

May we be courageous to follow the word of the Lord in the aspects of our lives. The seemingly ordinary or “little” things will what makes us a true Christian. We cannot do all this alone therefore; we must beg the Lord to give us the graces that we need in order to follow His will. May we pray always to have the courage to be honest to our brothers and sisters when we are hurt. May we pray always to have His wisdom and understanding in all things so that peace will reign in our hearts, no matter what happens in life. May we be free to love, and not enslaved by any hurt, pain or unforgiveness because of our openness to God who will give us all the graces we need to obey Him and do the right thing in spite of our hurts in life. Amen. +